Mum Almost Loses it Completely

We had an uneventful morning. En was unsettled at 7ish but not overly so and by 9am was ready for a big sleep. He is still being incredibly cute at times but I keep losing sight of this when he is screaming and shouting. At times, like this morning, when he is well fed and not in any distress he just lies and looks about. He coos and he gurgles and he is simply adorable.

I had decided on just the one outing and so after his 12’o clock feed (4 hours after his last feed), we went for a walk in the pram to do some shopping. He was really good although he did not sleep at all and by the end of the walk was beginning to cry. I managed to stave off the hysteria by rocking him in his pram while I prepared dinner. All was well and I believed that the one outing rule was making all the difference. He had his 3pm feed and went to sleep at about 4. I tidied the house, did some washing etc and decided that a bit of a rest would not go astray and so I lay on my bed next to E’s cot. As I lay down he started to whinge and then cry. It was then that full on hysteria set in and I questioned my one outing rule. He was really quite beside himself and I was getting there too. He looks so sad and so scared when he gets hysterical like that but nothing that I do consoles him. I try to hold him securely and stay calm and repeat the same movement over and over while “shhhhhoooing” him (the “shhhhoooooing” sound usually does wonders for him) but sometimes, like tonight, he just fights me. He pouts his bottom lip and screams and his fists beat against my chest. I really became quite impatient and almost shouted at him. I pleaded with him to stop screaming at me and I did everything I knew to calm him. It is the most terrible feeling not being able to do anything constructive for your crying baby and I feel so helpless. I was on the verge of being really angry with him and I kept having to remind myself that he is only a tiny baby, he is not being naughty, he is not fighting me he is just a baby and that is the way he communicates what is happening for him. Having had Dr C explain about the brain connections and the stimulation overload etc really helps me to try and understand what E is going through but my patience wears very thin. I phoned M just to hear his voice to help ground me and I found a way to calm E and get in shape at the same time. It seems that he likes the movement of going up and down the stairs. He cannot be fooled into being in your arms and walking on the spot. He knows when you are actually going up the stairs and that is what he likes. I climbed the 15 stairs to the spare bedroom about 20 times and he “magically” calmed and was able to eat. It took a while to get him to sleep but these little screaming sessions tire him out so that when he does sleep it is usually a long sleep.

I think the lack of sleep is getting to me, the lack of sleep and the crying and crying and crying, oh and the lack of sleep.