Arrived at the hospital today to find E on c-pap. Small prongs inserted into his nostrils to give him air. I freaked out. I freaked out because he obviously needed more oxygen and I freaked out because I had not been there when he did. I also freaked out because freaking out was becoming the way I dealt with things. Before E had entered my life I had been calm and only really freaked out in particularly bad traffic or when someone was particularly stupid - ok so I freaked out a lot before E was born. But this was different, I was feeling such a lack of control. My baby needed things that I could not provide for him and other people could - they knew what he needed and I only knew how to love him.
When he cries I become distraught. I wish that there was a way that I could take the discomfort away from him. He settles really well when we place our hands firmly on his head and bottom or feet but I worry about the times that we are not there and on days like today when he just does not seem happy I feel like I just want to run away from the horror of the situation and take him with me.
When he cries I become distraught. I wish that there was a way that I could take the discomfort away from him. He settles really well when we place our hands firmly on his head and bottom or feet but I worry about the times that we are not there and on days like today when he just does not seem happy I feel like I just want to run away from the horror of the situation and take him with me.
Frigging CPAP. We did the on-off-on-off CPAP dance for nine weeks. I hated it. Sophia hated it. She was a different child when the dreaded hat was off her head and would scream blue murder when they came near her to put it back on.
ReplyDeleteI remember all those emotions you convey so brilliantly.