He smiles

Today E gave me a big proper smile and it made all the rest of the shit seem like nothing.  Nothing at all.  Suddenly everything is all worthwhile.  He desperately needs to give a huge winning smile to M.  

Tonight I went for a massage and I left E in a very grumbly mood with M.  When I came back M was devastated, E had screamed continuously.  His day had been pretty good although I am now petrified all the time that he is starving.  I phoned the breastfeeding clinic and I am going to have a chat with them tomorrow before the clinic on Monday.  Hopefully that will get us through the weekend.  

Music on the Lap

E had a great day.  He fed well and was well rested when we went to the Childcare Centre to a “Music on the Lap” Class.  He loved the singing and soon fell asleep n my arms.  The class was great and we will definitely be going back to that.  We met Tanya and Jake there and they came back to our house where I expressed all my extra milk after feeding E again at the Childcare Centre.  I hope the medication continues its magic.

We went for a walk around Centennial Park and E was a gem in his pram. Afterwards we had lunch at the café with some friends and again Ethan fed like a whiz.  Could it be the drugs are actually working?

The night was terrible and Ethan woke like every hour.  This is very hard work!!

He is starving

After a very bad night and a bad morning we set off for Dr C.  E had had so little sleep that he was fast asleep by the time we got there.  Dr C was kind and fantastic but firm in his view that E does not have indigestion or reflux (later in life we will prove him VERY wrong).  

When he weighed E my whole heart sank.  I started to cry.  He only weighs 2.84kgs and has not put on enough weight.  Dr C thinks that it is a supply problem.  I will go on Motilium to increase my breast milk production and also express after each feed so that E can get a bottle of expressed breast milk as well.  I will also go to a breast feeding clinic next week to check that he is attaching properly.  My poor boy has been screaming because he is starving.  He must be so frustrated when he tries to eat and there is not enough.  I feel so bad! I feel awful.  I feel like I have been abusing my child.    

I will start the medication tonight and I have already tried to feed E at every available opportunity.  At least we know what we are dealing with now we can do something about it. 

We were meant to meet some friends this afternoon but it was rainy and awful and I was really upset about E’s lack of weight gain so I cancelled.  I cried instead.

Sleeping and settling

E slept like a charm last night but I am still exhausted because although he went for 4 hour stretches he got bored at about 4am and never really slept properly after that until about 7am – not the most civilised hours to be up and about if you have not slept for 3 months.

We went to a sleep and settling course at Karitane although I am sure that E settles and sleeps quite well without it - it is just the feeding that is an absolute nightmare.  The course was okay except that I had to give E to them during the course and they tried to put him to sleep in these horrible little cots that they have.  He was not settled and very far from ever settling and they kept bringing him to me to feed.  When I left they told me that he has bad indigestion and is very nasal and therefore cannot settle.  Good news indeed.  NOT.   As I took him from them he settled and I put him in his pram and he went straight to sleep.  He just needed me.

We met some friends for lunch and E slept through the entire meal in his pram like a gem.  He woke just as we finished, took a few sips from me at the table (I am getting very brave) and then screamed as we raced home to complete the feed and get ready for our afternoon visitors that happened to cancel on us.

After his feed E settled the Karitane way and then slept for 3 hours.  During the night I tried the Karitane way (pat, pat in the cot) and he screamed every hour.  It was a very bad night!

Gripe water anyone?

We have been having a shocker. I think that all my tiredness has caught up with me and I am just exhausted.  Absolutely and utterly exhausted .  I have spoken to everyone about it and I know that it will pass and that he is just a baby and babies cry but I think I am now crying as much as he is.  My sister in South Africa suggested that I give him gripe water and I must say that against all my vows not to medicate etc I did.  He sucked the dummy furiously and I am not sure if it was the sucking or the gripe water that settled him.  Nonetheless I am not going to make it a habit and I will only use it if I can see he is really in pain and it is going to help him.

This morning we went for a walk in Centennial Park.  It was the RSPCA Million Paws walk and there were hundreds of dogs.  We went with some friends and their dog.  M carried E in the Baby Bjorn and E slept through much of the walk.  It was really a great atmosphere with all the dogs and the kind of thing that we had visualised doing with our baby. We just did not visualise doing it while half asleep ourselves.  

Afterwards we went all the way to Homebush to the Baby Expo.  We had one pit stop where we pulled over to feed E in the car.  He is much happier in the car if I sit with him in the back and so that he is always happy I will treat M as a taxi driver (except I refuse to pay him at the end).  The Expo was good and E slept through the whole thing again in his pram.  Why is it that he just wont sleep at home? 

Still no patience

This morning started out better than yesterday although when I put E in the car to go to the park he shrieked again.  He really hates it.  We went to Centennial Park where we met some friends and we managed to walk around twice with E in the pram sleeping through the entire 8kms.  Afterwards we sat on the picnic blanket and I fed E in the park.  While I thought that it was all pretty idyllic I am not sure that E agreed.

He was pretty mellow however and we managed to go shopping  and he slept through the whole ordeal.  My sister came around in the afternoon and E his witching hour which left me feeling shattered and unable to cope.  He just screamed and I am not sure what to do.  I fear that my patience is very limited.

Temper temper

After a really bad night I felt that if we did not leave the house I would go stir crazy.  We decided to go for a walk with a friend to Bondi but Ethan was an absolute nightmare.  He screamed and performed and as I write this my patience is at an all time low.  

I tried to go shopping while he was asleep in the capsule but he awoke and screamed and I had to leave the shopping in the trolley and go home.  I feel quite caged in by the fact that Ethan hates being out.  At home he is so much better behaved although he does scream at times and even though I hate myself for saying this he seems to be shouting and screaming not for any reason in particular but rather just because he is in a bad mood.  And boy does he seem to have one really bad temper.  When he is not screaming he is so adorable and seems to have such a lovely temperament and disposition but he can get upset so very quickly and it sometimes seems impossible to console him. 

On the positive side (I am looking hard for that today) he is having great fun with his new wedge which he lies on on his tummy and his head control seems to be improving.  He is also reacting well to and enjoying musical distraction when he has his nappy changed.  

Caged in

E had a bad day compared to yesterday.  He was not in a playful mood and got easily distressed.  The only thing we did all day was to go up to the shops in the baby Bjorn.  He loves that activity but I must say that it is quite limiting for me never to be able to do anything for fear of E hating it.

On a mothering high

After such a terrible day yesterday I can hardly believe the change in E today.  I would say that today has been our best day ever.  E has been happy and playful, he has eaten well and slept considerably well (still not the required 3 hours between feeds but he is much more settled).

We had only one outing today to the shops in the car and then around and about in the Baby Bjorn.  He is still unhappy in the car seat and screams when he is awake in it but I guess that I am learning to live with it better.

We have adhered strictly to the one hour up two hour down rule today insofar as after 1 hour of feeding/play I have put E straight down and I think it is working well for him.  Now he just needs to learn to sleep for longer stretches. He is becoming much more responsive in his play and really can take quite a few minutes of stimulation.  I have also started to do some massage on him and he loves that although not for too long at a time. 

I have really enjoyed every second of my day with E today.  It is only 5:30 and I may eat my words but he is just delightful and gorgeous.  So many times today he has made me laugh out loud with happiness.  I am on a mothering high!!!  

A cold. My poor baby has a cold

E has a cold!!  The poor little man is absolutely miserable.  His nose is runny and his eyes are watering.  He is in a terrible mood and I am not sure if he has a sore throat or a headache or maybe he is just feeling like absolute crap.  He will not settle and we have tried everything.  He is hardly eating either although I am feeding him every hour or so.  

I have spent much of today sobbing

Some tricks never work twice

After a relatively good night I left E with M this morning and went to do a few things (like have an ultrasound and shop - exciting stuff huh?).  I really felt lost without E and did not enjoy my morning at all.  M had said that I should not phone in case the phone woke E and besides I think I needed to just let them have some time together.

When I got home M told me that E had screamed blue murder for about an hour and he had hardly eaten.  However there he was lying and sleeping peacefully in his cot.  He had such a good afternoon, he just slept a fortune and ate occasionally.

Ian came to visit and E took this opportunity to wake up and scream.  He became quite hysterical so I did the old bath trick.  Somehow my tricks never seem to work twice in a row.

E had a really bad night.  He woke every one and a half hours and his nose was really stuffy.

SCREAMING

At 4am this morning E was screaming in anger.  I feel like I could just pop off right here and now.  I am exhausted and so is M.  So is E but he does not seem to want to sleep to rectify the situation.  He is no longer having his good morning sleep so this morning we went with my brother-in-law to M’s office to pick up his laptop.  It took about 10 minutes to settle E in his car seat and lot of prayer to get him to the office without screaming.  As we got there he started to yell and I could not console him.  It was just awful.  One of the girls at M's office was holding him and I almost pulled him out of her arms and took him to M’s office to feed him AGAIN.  It worked a charm, the poor boy was probably starving.  He was quiet and settled and got all the admiration he is due (everyone is amazed at how his face looks exactly like M’s). 

I drove into the city to get some immigration stuff for my brother-in-law and E was as good as gold just sleeping in his seat in the back.  It is uncanny how he knows when we get home.  Good uncanny that he did not cry all the way but very, very bad uncanny that reserved it for the minute we parked at home.  He was just impossible.  I fed him and then stuffed him into the Baby Bjorn where he fussed and performed until he fell asleep.  He has had the worst 24 hours on record.  He is in a foul mood.  I have phoned Karitane to book for a “sleeping and settling” course.

I was dreading the 4:30pm feed as he is usually his worst at around this time and I had such a headache from not sleeping and listening to him cry all the time.  I decided that I would bath him after the feed and that would relax him, also I decided to feed him lying down as I had such a bad headache that I thought I needed all the rest I could.  Well as I write – and hold thumbs at the same time – it seems to have worked.  He fed quite well and then I ran the bath for us.  He was in a much better mood even before the bath and then when we got into the bath he was just so relaxed that I fed him some more in the bath in the warm water in a very relaxed environment.  It was fantastic.  He screamed blue murder after the bath but as soon as he was dressed I sat with him on the rocking chair and covered him with a warm blanket.  I sat with him until he fell asleep and he is now sleeping peacefully in his cot – the first time in over 24 hours so maybe the nightmare 24 hours has passed. Nup, he just screamed.

When the shopping centre becomes your pacifier

Today we went with Tanya and Jake to listen to Dr C’s talk on newborn babies.  It was really interesting but E thought there were bits that Dr C just did not get - so he gave those bits a voice of his own.  Even though he had eaten an hour before I just let him eat again in a successful attempt to silence him (after all he was showing up the paediatrician).  It worked at the time but I think that it may have stuffed him up for the rest of the day.

After the talk we went with Tanya and Jake and met a friend of theirs for lunch.  Straight after lunch E began to cry and we had to race him in order to feed as there was nowhere on the centre we were at for him to eat.  (Yup I am one of those uncomfortable public breast feeders maybe given the fact that I feel I am soooo bad at it) He cried the whole way home (we walked and he was in his Baby Bjorn) and I just knew that he would be impossible to feed once we got home.  Needless to say I was right.  Tanya came home with us and ommented on E’s temper!! Please God that settles down as he grows up. He was very unsettled and at really badly.  I was rather edgy so when he was finished and Tanya had left we went to Eastgardens again in the hope that seen as though he loved walking about in his Baby Bjorn the day before he might like it today.  He was really quiet at the shops and we bumped into Annette and Jacob from NCC and that was really nice.  You know that your life has reached a new level when you use Eastgardens as a pacifier.

When we got home E fed, settled and then woke permanently it seemed.  He was really in a bad mood and actually seemed to be screaming in fury.  H would open his mouth and shout rather than actually crying.  He was absolutely revolting the entire night.  I decided to try and let him sleep in my bed and feed him in my bed all night as suggested by Dr C in his talk.  It did not work at all and for some reason he woke every one and a half hours. Needless to say I have had no sleep. 

Our first parent's room encounter

This morning we went to a talk at the Early Childhood centre on development and play in babies from birth to 6 months.  E fed during the talk and was as good as gold.  We met Tanya and Jake there and we decided to venture off to Eastgardens together. 

E screamed a bit on the way there but when we arrived I put him in his baby Bjorn and we walked around the centre very happily.  E was so calm and happy in the pouch and he slept most of the afternoon.  We had our first experience of feeding in a parents room at a shopping centre and it was not too awful.  It was great to spend time with Tanya and Jake and really good to see that E is not far off his corrected age in terms of size and in every other way he seems to be behaving exactly like a 3 week old baby should (even if it is three months after he was born).  I really enjoyed walking around with E in the pouch – I felt really close to him and proud to be walking around with this baby “attached” to me.

We are still having problems with some of the feeds.  This evening E was impossible and I really began to think that there was something wrong.  He cries so badly and really gets upset.  I would think that he has reflux or something but then some feeds he is so settled and I am sure that if he had a real medical problem it would not come and go.

He has grown out of all his 00000 and premature clothes.  He is looking absolutely gorgeous and his growth is really visible to us.  He has more hair and the cutest most expressive big eyes.  

Playgroup at the NCC

Another day of heavy rain.  We braved the elements to go to our first playgroup at the Newborn Care Centre .  Everyone in the ward was really happy to see E and all commented on his good size and exceptionally cute looks.  The playgroup was a bit dismal at first, all the other babies were much older than E but soon Nicola and Matthew arrived and that made things a bit friendlier.

The physiotherapist checked E out and was duly impressed.  She said that at his age he should not be playing too much (I checked whether we were over or under stimulating him), she said that he was very alert and made good eye contact.  I was very happy with all of that!!!  He is a little star!!

Ok so maybe not so much a star  - he had an abysmal night and was up every hour or so. 

Baby sling settles him for, oh about 3 minutes

E is sitting on my chest in his Baby Bjorn baby carrier.  He seems very happy to be there and I see no reason to take him out.  I see a real boring day ahead – it is pouring with rain and very cold outside.  I bet E is secretly happy that I am not going to be dragging him out anywhere today.   

Later: Well he did not last long in the Baby Bjorn and so it was back into my arms until he was solidly asleep.  After a really long morning he was finally asleep in his cot for a long sleep.  Kim came past in the afternoon and E was on his very best behaviour.  He ate like a gem and then he gurgled and cooed and lay on the blanket on the floor with Kim's daughter like an angel.  He was really in a playful mood and even after Kim left he lay on the bed with me and just played by himself.  I put him down to sleep when I thought he had had enough but he never really slept.  He had a niggly 5pm feed and then was as ratty as all hell.  He really tries the patience when he gets like that.  I carry him around and I swing him in my arms quite hard.  Sometimes when I swing him real hard he shuts up instantly and then I panic that I have jolted him into submission.  He is so precious but when he cries and screams I do not know what to do with him.  I sing, I rock him, I walk him, I pat him, I give him his dummy and mostly I pray!!

The Baby Bjorn settling was short lived as E will not go into it now or at least he will but then he screams blue murder.  He just wants to sleep in my arms and I am not complaining although it does make it difficult to get anything done.  

More talk of sleep

E has no concept of sleeping in.  He woke up at 6am very angry.  He did not want to be lying down – he wanted to sit up, problem being that I didn’t.  Eventually after a bit of a play and a chat with his parents, he fell asleep and woke up at 8:30.  Now that is some serious fantastic behaviour.

After his “lunch-time” feed we lay E down on his playmat and he gurgled and cooed appreciatively.  He was really wide awake and seemed happy to have the opportunity to play.  When he lies around like that I can forget all the sleepless nights and all the feeding traumas.  He is just so perfect and I can’t believe he is our baby – it has been a long time coming but worth every minute.  

This morning there was a program on TV and there was a child, nothing like E, who was born at 26 weeks and it made me think all over again about those terrible days in the beginning.  Every time I look at E’s photograph album I also think about it and it makes me cry both with joy that he is so well now and with relief.  I also feel such immense sadness for what he had to go through to get here.  I just want him to be happy and to be grateful that he made such a fight to keep on living. 

After his 7pm feed we gave him a warm bath and put him to bed.  It seems like we are going to go through a cycle of one good night and one bad night.  I am quite happy that I am faced with the good one for tonight.  Yeah right.   He was a bit of a terror from 2am onwards.  It was not that he did not feed or that he was particularly impossible but he just could not settle and seemed unable to fall asleep.  I do get really tired sitting up with him and trying to keep him calm and happy but from all that I read and hear of my friends babies I think that we have got a gold star!!!  He does scream and he does certainly perform and require a lot of attention but he does not cry consistently all the time and most of the time, even if it takes a little effort, we can make him happy. 

I ended up walking around with Ethan in the baby pouch at 5:30 am and he loved that.  Pity he realised as soon as I tried to lie down.  I put him in his cot to look at his fancy new mobile and he seemed to enjoy that too.  He gurgled and followed the movement of the mobile for a while - like maybe 6 whole seconds.  

To play or not to play

E woke early and grumpy, if you can call it waking at all after such a fitful night of crying.  He settled after his 9am feed for his long sleep.  We were going out for lunch so while E slept M mounted military like manoeuvres to get everything ready and the car packed so that we could move the sleeping man into the car and get to Narrabeen without E noticing.  It didn't work.  As soon as we tried to put him in the car seat he woke up screaming.

E was like a gold star at the H’s house.  He slept quietly while everyone fussed around him.  He stayed in his car seat and was sleepily oblivious to his surroundings.  During lunch, given it was his “allocated feeding time”, he woke up and lay in my arms while I finished.  He slept lazily like this for about half an hour and I am sure that anyone who heard me say that he can be a monster at night or during feeds must have thought I was a liar.  After lunch I fed him and he ate well. He did the compulsory scream during nappy change but then had a big sleep in M’s arms and all in all was the best behaved baby at party.  I am seriously considering moving to Narrabeen.

The other babies spent a lot more awake time than E so on the way home M and I decided that E needs more time to play. No, we are not competitive and we are not neurotic and neither are we sheep.  I think. I know that this is completely counter to what Dr Con says but now we are worried that the child is not being stimulated enough – oh the joy that is the roller coaster ride of parenthood.  We just think that his life is so much eat, sleep, eat, sleep that maybe sometimes he cries because he is bored.  It is not that he does not spend any other time awake it just seems like we are constantly trying to get him to go to sleep rather than just actively playing with him after a feed.  That will be corrected tomorrow! We have decided that while he can play during the day night time is strictly reserved for eating and SLEEPING.

We drove home in the pouring rain and when we got home fed E and put him to bed  with much fuss.  After dinner I decided to go to sleep because I was exhausted and this is E’s best sleep time.  When he woke me at 10pm we had a terrible feed.  It seems that every feed time is a bit of a mission.  He gets really angry and he seems to go red in the face and really screams, the next thing he farts or burps and I am sure that he is in pain when passing wind.  I wish that there was something that I could do for him.  I am sure that Dr C would put it down to “over-stimulation” but I can tell by his down turned, pouting lip, by his scream and his general demeanour that he is not just putting it on – he seriously gets sore.  It does not last long though and mostly he settles down well after his feed. I must admit though that some of these feeds are really quite trying and frustrating.

Just to make me feel really bad at myself for complaining about his behaviour E was like a gem.  He ate 3 hourly almost to the minute and at 4am he was the cutest, gurgly baby that I have ever seen, he was most definitely in a good mood.  He did not even fuss when I changed his nappy!!! I love him to bits and pieces.

Motherhood is humbling me

After a really good night (waking every 3 hours, eating and going back to sleep), E had a good settled morning. Karen came to visit and E slept in my arms and then when I put him down in his pram he just stayed asleep. I was pretty shocked and excited

In the afternoon Ethan woke for his feed and I decided it was time to go to the shops, for a walk etc. As we started up the stairs he started to cry. He was really pretty miserable and instead of turning around and going back home, I persevered. Yup, I thought I was very smart.  I thought maybe he was just tired and the motion of the pram would lull him to sleep. Before long I found myself on the main road with my tiny baby asleep in my arms and there I was pushing an empty pram through the streets of Randwick. Oh motherhood how you have humbled me.

We went to the baby shop  which we just love because there are lots of people who know and have babies in the shop and they all shower E with praise. The store manager who I have developed quite a friendship with just loves him and takes any opportunity to tell people that he is a “miracle baby” and how well he has done etc. It makes me so proud!!!


After his usual 5-6pm hysteria E settled down for what is always his longest sleep. He manages to usually sleep from about 7 to 11 which is pretty darn amazing. He woke at about 2am and although he was pretty good and ate quite well I just knew something was not quite 100%. I had a feeling sleep was not on the cards for the night. Call it mother’s intuition but I was right. At 3am M settled him and he slept a bit but was up and screaming before long. All in all another long exhausting night. Obviously this is something that we will have to deal with from time to time.

I think this post should cover the full gamut of emotions

Just when I thought that we had overcome all our newborn niggles, E delivered us the night from hell. After a really good 8pm feed last night I was thinking how fortunate we are and how I love this mother role, after all E slept for almost 5 hours. Maybe it was the shock of such a long sleep, maybe he was just feeling grumpy or maybe he was ill but at 1am he began to scream with his feed but he ate a bit. He then came and lay in the bed with us but woke again at 3am he would not eat – he just screamed and shrieked as if he were in pain. Every time I tried to feed him he fell asleep but then would wake again half an hour or an hour later and yell hysterically.

Mike and I were awake- obviously. In fact I am quite sure even my neighbours were awake. We tried with every ounce of our combined experience (very limited), reading and maternal/paternal instinct to figure out what could be the matter – nothing came to mind, the child was angry and not hungry.

This morning I was still trying to get him to stay awake long enough for a feed and he was still ranging from deep sleep to full on yell mode. At 8:45, I was in tears when I took his temperature and it read 37.2. I was convinced that he was sick and I became petrified. I phoned the paediatrician in tears and we are going to see him at 11:30. He said that E’s temperature was environmental so I took of his babygrow and it soon settled. As soon as I had finished talking to Dr C, E started to eat – typical.

Now I am just embarrassed. E is as right as rain. He is back to the content gorgeous baby that we love so much and I am hauling him off to the doctor in an hour.

I could never get through this whole baby thing without Dr C. Although many believe that his views are radical and are not prepared to listen to his advice, I believe that he will make our lives with E easier and he will help E to develop to his maximum potential. As always he was calming and grounding. He did not make me feel like a fool for rushing off to the doctor after what turns out was basically just a bad night. He did not even have to examine E, although he did listen to his chest and tummy and weigh him and measure his head circumference. (He weighs 2.465kg and his head circumference is a whopping 37.2 cm). He explained to me his views on colic and gave me a very interesting article that he had written. Basically it all boils down to the same thing – over-stimulation. He explained that even things like looking in the baby’s eyes and making direct contact can be too overwhelming for the baby and because he does not have the ability to just switch off at this stage or to say “leave me alone” he cries and works himself into a state. What we need to do for E is provide a calm and soothing environment and just hold him close till he calms. We need to learn to calm him and remain calm ourselves and not keep changing the calming activity – basically just hold him tight and talk very gently to him avoiding eye contact, a dark room with no external stimuli is best for him. He said that the reason E would not eat last night was because he had to much adrenaline going through his body and basically did not want to eat because he was to “revved” up”. Dr C said to see this behaviour as a milestone because it is exactly what is expected at this age when he starts to take in the world around him. He advised me on some cream to use for his nappy rash and we were done.

After the doctor we went home and E fed and slept like a star. After his 3pm feed we went in the pram up to the shops to buy his cream and a few odds and ends. When we came home E was rather angry and he started to scream again. I tried everything to calm him but he was tense as a board. Eventually for my own sanity and his safety I left him crying in his cot for about 2 minutes (seemed like 7 hours) and I felt too terrible. One thing I keep trying to convince myself is that I could not show E that I love him anymore than I do so if I have to leave him to cry once or twice to recoup then he will still know that I love him. When I went back into the room and picked him up he settled immediately and eventually we lay on the bed and I sang Dr C’s article to him while he sucked his dummy and he was very happy.

When he started to whinge again his dad was home and he promptly prepared a warm bath. E positively loved it and fell asleep, he was really warm and relaxed. He fell asleep on M’s chest and then had a really long sleep in his cot. What a gorgeous star baby.

Wishing I had married a doctor

Again E had a really good sleep in the morning.

My friend came to visit him and she was here during his feed. This man cannot feed in public! She was amazed at how he fought the feed and I could see that she was feeling quite sorry for Ethan that he had such a tough time getting fed. I assured her that when he eats on his own he is quite fine. A also had a look at his nappy rash and made me quite nervous by saying that she had never seen anything like it. I got into a panic and as the clinic in Randwick is closed on a Wednesday afternoon I raced off to Eastgardens where there is a chemist with a clinic sister and a clinic. The clinic sister was not there and the clinic was closed. My neurosis will have to wait another day. Oh why couldn't I have married a doctor? No offence M, just sooo much more useful right about now.

I decided to do some other stuff while I was there like fight with Medicare and MBF about the fact that I had a premature baby so was entitled to about $3.00 back from all my ante-natal care. E was fast asleep in his pram like an angel. I was quite convinced that we were going to have a bad night as he had slept so much during the day – boy was I right!!!! He cried all the way home and then some more. And after that, some more again

Taking a baby to your own doctor's appointment is just plain silly

Wow what a morning. It is only 10am and I am exhausted. Although he slept well last night he has been an absolute nightmare this morning. He has screamed blue murder after his feed and seemed really angry. I thought he was sleeping at one point and I sneaked out to have a bath. Ten minutes later he was in the bath with me as I realised this was going to be the only way that I got to bath and he got to be settled.

He had a really good sleep (seems to be his morning routine) and one of the nurses from the NCC that I had befriended came to visit. He woke up for a feed and she was shocked at how badly he fed. He was all over the show and would not latch or suck properly at all. I know that everyday I have a new feeding method and/or theory but I really think that this one is a good one – he can have no outside stimulation when he feeds. He still needs the little playtime beforehand and he needs to be wide-awake but during the actual sucking process nothing else can take place. Even as I was feeding him with Gabrielle there and I switched off the background music he improved as I suppose that he had less to concentrate on.

When Gabrielle left we quickly went to the shop to buy a gift for Dr H, the surgeon who did E's bris and hernia op to say thank you for being the best and kindest surgeon in the world. Again we managed to avoid the rain quite successfully. M came home to fetch us and off we went to Dr H for his low-down on Ethan’s recovery from surgery. He was very happy with E and said what perfect equipment he now has. E was not unhappy to be examined by Dr H it was just that afterwards he realised how hungry he was so we raced off home. I tried my new no-stimulation during feeding trick and it worked a treat.

I had to go to the doctor in the afternoon (residual pre-eclampsia issues) and it was all precision timed. E was asleep in his pram and being cute as a button and very well behaved. Of course the doctor saw to all of that by running late so that by the time my appointment should rightfully have been finished, E began to wake and cry. I tried the old shove the breast in the mouth trick but I think that given we were in the doctors waiting room and under a bit of pressure, it was not too successful. By the time I was called in E was hysterical. I have no idea what the doctor said to me or what I told him as all I could hear was E screaming. I tried to feed him while talking to the doctor but we all know that was not going to work. I held him while the doctor took my blood and then we went to feed in the waiting room again. I will make sure that M can look after E during my next appointment.

This whole doctor thing threw E a bit and he was very unsettled when we got home. Eventually he fell asleep on our bed and had a good night, waking for his feeds 3 hourly and eating like a charm.

Some time with Granny

I tried something new after realising that I could not fight with E every time that it was time for a feed. Instead of feeding him as he woke up, I played with him a bit first and then fed him. Well it has only been two feeds that we have done this but it seems to be better for him. He certainly does not fight me as much and obviously I am far happier with that.

It has been a rainy, cold and miserable day so we have stayed indoors mostly and E has been catching up on some sleep.

I needed to go to the bank so I hauled him into his pram at after his 12 o clock feed and we made a mad dash for the bank. It started to rain on the way back and I sprinted with the pram through the streets of Randwick, not a good look! I was petrified that E would get wet and sick but I think that we managed to keep him dry although the pram certainly got wet.

In the afternoon my mother in law came past and during discussion on my lack of dinner preparation she suggested I go shopping and leave E with her. It took every bit of my courage and a million checks that E was fast asleep and I set off for the shops without my baby. It was very different leaving him because although I have left him before it has always been with M or the nurses at the NCC. I knew that I had to get over this and allow her to babysit at some stage and it was not so bad after all. Actually it was absolutely awful. I feel like my heart is missing when I am not with him.

I raced through the aisles and got home to find him safely and snugly in his granny’s arms.

He had a good evening and night and is precious again.

Screaming and Fighting Me...not so much fun

We had to do something today as it was my dad’s last day in Sydney. E woke up quite late, (although I am sure that M will not agree that 8am is late) and in a good mood so we sat around and played on the bed. He is still waking every 2 or 3 hours at night but being good as gold and just feeding and then going straight to sleep sort of - he does need a big cuddle to get him there.

I walked with E in the pram to Centennial park where we met M, my dad and the rest of the crew. E was really very relaxed and happy during the walk there but soon became a bit unsettled. M says that he spent too long outside and it was making him crabby. I just think that he does not sleep so well in his pram. We sat down for coffee/breakfast and there were hundreds of people, babies and dogs all around us and I immediately felt that it was too overwhelming for E. Although he was rested at the time I feared that it might catch up with him later. Boy was I ever right.

M took him for a walk while we finished our coffee and then we took him home by car. He ate a bit of lunch and then slept for about an hour and there began one of his major unsettled times. He hardly slept at all and he ate really badly. He seems to fight me and bash my chest with his little fists every time I try and feed him. He screams blue murder and will not suck. It is very hard to listen to and very hard to keep your cool and remain calm and rational. At about 7pm we gave him a bath and tried to put him back to bed. Eventually he had his best sleep of the day sprawled out on our bed. His night was not much better and he woke up almost every two hours. I wish that there was a way that I could make him feel better.