Well the big day finally arrived and it was time to take E home. The morning seems like a bit of a haze, probably from the lack of sleep the night before. We discovered that he certainly has a couple of “witching hours” – from about 9pm to midnight where he is quite hard to settle despite our best attempts.

We threw E’s first real party. His farewell from NCC combined with his 2 month birthday. We ordered a platter of cakes and slices and we bought a huge basket full of chocolates for the staff. We also bought them a sandwich maker (a request) and a coffee machine. It really did not seem real that we were finally taking E home and it was hard to express our gratitude for all that they had done for E and for M and I, it was also really hard to say good bye to the place that had become home for the last two months. E slept through the whole party and was really quite peaceful in his pram. Good omen for home I hope!

The walk home was a little anti climatic I guess. I had thought that I would feel so different but I just felt so normal, we were taking him home to where he belongs. M wheeled the pram home and En continued to sleep. He settled into the house as if he had always been there. The cot that we hired for him for the first couple of months was exactly like the one he had slept in in the hospital so he was not uncomfortable with that.

The afternoon was uneventful, punctuated with a few unsettled periods. The evening/night time is definitely his most unsettled time. The routine that he had followed so rigidly in the hospital was quickly broken as we got him into our routine (who am I kidding?).

We have decided that we should not have visitors for the first few days at home just so that we can get used to having him at home and develop a bit of a routine. This week is family week! I cannot believe M and I have created our own family.


My Love Letter

I am so proud of E. Our first night went so well. He slept from about 11:30pm (not great but he was very unsettled after his 9pm feed) till 1:30am. He then fed without to much fuss and was back in his cot asleep at 2:15am. He slept soundly till 5:20am, fed and now at 7:30am is fast asleep in our bed. This room is freezing and I am sure our bed is warmer than his.

Dr C came for his second last hospital visit. He has been fantastic to us – I am glad that he is E’s doctor. This afternoon we measured E’s head circumference 33.7cm and his height 44cm. He has “put on” 6cm around his head and grown 5cm taller since birth. He is still below 2kgs but we like to pretend that does not matter.

Everyone is getting a bit excited about his departure (well M and I are) and it is becoming so real that at last M, E and I will be a family.

He was as good as gold all day. He slept between feeds and M fed him a bottle of breastmilk at 12 noon when I went to the dentist. The night was a different story. The man was a monster. He screamed a lot. He hardly ate at 1am and then woke at 4:20. He screamed a lot during the 5am feed. Now that he is sleeping so soundly it is hard to imagine that he was so manic. It is very hard to know what he is crying about and to settle him accordingly. The end result was a tight hug in bed and he fell asleep next to me.

My Darling E

I am so incredibly proud of you, how you have managed such a difficult start in life with such bravery and determination. Your courage and fight to survive are an inspiration to all the people who know you.

I know that when we go home all of this traumatic experience will be behind us and we will have years and years of good times ahead of us.

I love you more than you could possible imagine and I intend to make your life as happy, as peaceful and as rich as I can.

I am so glad that you are my son. I feel truly blessed. You and your dad complete my life – you make me feel whole. Thank you for your struggle.

I love you


Blossom Corner

This is the most amazing thing in the whole wide world. We are in Blossom Corner (a parent’s suite next to the NCC). I am lying on the bed writing and E is lying next to the bed in his cot. M has gone out to buy breakfast and when he comes back we will eat our first family meal. When we came into the room this morning it felt so right to be alone with him away from the hospital staff. Everybody there really cared for him with such love and the greatest degree of medical professionalism but I am still happy to have him out of there and in a family environment.

When I lay him down on the bed I could not believe that although he has been alive for 8 weeks this was his first time on a real bed. I cannot wait to introduce him to all his firsts. He has had such a tough journey and now the real health, happiness, security and joy will begin.

Well, I thought that having sat next to E’s cot for 8 weeks, I knew him pretty well. The baby that I knew slept between feeds even if he did not settle easily. Well today E hardly slept at all. He cried a lot, ate well but did not sleep. At about 5pm he had his first restful sleep on the bed in my arms next to M. He had had a big lie on the bed earlier in the day with M when I went to get lunch but then he was just wondering about checking out his dad and his new surroundings. At 5:20 his gran and aunt arrived (no doubt to deliver dinner - are you noticing a theme?) and soon after that the sleep ended. At about 6:30 during his feed he made a big poo and has been a different boy since then. He slept all the way to his 9pm feed and was much happier. I think he may have had a bit of constipation.

I love having him with us all the time. What an excellent way to be – M, E and me.


Last Night in a Hospital Ward

Monitors came off my man for the last time today!! This is really our last long day at the hospital. Tomorrow we will be in Blossom Corner and we can basically check in from early in the morning so, instead of sitting around next to his cot all day we can lounge about on the bed with him between us, or he can lie in his cot if he must.

Surgeon just popped in – another fan of E. He’s really happy with E’s health and recovery from surgery and we only need to see him again in two weeks. Tonight is the last time E will have to sleep in a hospital ward.

Tonight was Pesach and M's birthday (this oline diary is not in sync with the time it was first written) so dinner was at his mum's house. I left at 8:45 to give Ethan his 9pm feed. It was almost as if he knew that he was missing out. When I arrived the nurse told me that he had been awake for 40 minutes. After I fed him he was not settled at all and cried every time I put him down. Thrilled. Not



Wow another big day and a step closer to home. E had his 2 month vaccinations today. They made him extremely grumpy and so he was in a very bad mood all day. He aslo has to be monitored for 24 hours after the shots and this made me grumpy, when he is monitored he has to stay in or near his cot. I kind of like taking him to the couch with me and just for general walk abouts LIKE A MOTHER SHOULD. The nursing unit manager commented (earlier known as Strict Nurse) on the fact that E has a bad temper. I think not – he just knows what he wants and most of the time it is not her insulting him!

He is continuing to do so well. His head circumference was measured today at 33.2cm – 6cm bigger than at birth.

He is definitely a firm favourite amongst all the people who know him except maybe Strict Nurse. Everyone else wants a cuddle and John the Gentle Fellow wrote up his discharge summary today – normally a job reserved for the resident.

The most brilliant, wonderful news is that we are going to Blossom Corner in two nights. Only two more sleeps without him.


No tubes - none at all

Last night was a long night. I, as always, taking longer to recover than E. I hated not being able to stay with him the whole night but I phoned to check on him at 2am and he had had 50mls in his bottle at midnight. He had another 46ml at 4am (whch I found at when I called the hospital for the 8th time at 4:30am).

When I arrived at the hospital he was still in Level 3 but quite obviously not a Level 3 baby. He was waking for his 8am feed, perfect timing, and he fed really well. He screamed a bit but I am not sure if it was hunger, impatience or pain. He is on Panadol 6 hourly.

The paediatrician and the surgeon came to see him and are both very happy with him. Dr C was quick to send him to Level 1 where he belongs and he said that we may even to go Blossom Corner to room in on Sunday night. Dr H was happy with his handiwork and we all agree that E is magnificent.

HE HAS NO TUBES FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER. Not one – he is finished with his feeding tube and he needs no more monitoring after the operation. Dr Cn commented this morning on how he (E) and M look so similar. Both gorgeous (my words, not Dr Chilton’s).

This young man is so brave and good. He has not required any pain relief today and although he still fusses quite a bit he is doing exceptionally well. The fussing may just be normal E fussing, he is quite the impatient eater and is awfully indignant if he does not get a good latch immediately.

I also discovered today part of the reason for my shivering and extremely sore joints yesterday (and today), I have mastitis which is accompanied by a lovely fever. I will go and see the doctor tomorrow.



E is in surgery. I feel sick. I am shivering, freezing cold and every joint in my body hurts. We found out at 11:30am that the surgery was scheduled for today. John the Gentle, or should I say John the fellow, put in his canula and we waited for the porter. Ethan was calm, peaceful and blissfully unaware. The anaesthetist (very short lovely woman) came to see us and she was very kind. Nadine (the nurse looking after him today) helped to calm me as we wheeled E to the Children’s Hospital. We stayed with him right until he was wheeled into theatre. Then came the longest two hours of my life. I have never been so scared or felt so out of control with fear in my whole life.

When Dr H eventually came out of the theatre he assured us that all went well. I think he said all went well but it was pretty hard to hear him over the noise of my sobbing and shivering. E had a left and right side hernia which were removed and his circumcision was performed. The best part of it was that he was breathing by himself with only the aid of a head box providing a little oxygen while the anaesthetic made its way out of his body.

He is lying in level 3, very mellow and quite stoned. He is the most beautiful baby that I have ever seen. I cannot believe the operation is finally over. I am so grateful but I hope that he experiences no pain in the next couple of days (or ever for that matter).

On a much brighter note it looks like E will be coming home next week. Dr Chilton is happy with him and can see him going to Blossom next week Monday. Blossom Corner is a room joined to the Neo Natal Care Centre that is like a "hotel room". A proper bedroom where you stay with your baby for a night before you leave the hospital. Like a practice run with nursing staff available should you need it. I cannot believe this ordeal is nearly over. I cannot wait to show E a quiet, peaceful, loving environment.

John just told me that he has a particularly soft spot for Ethan. The anaesthetist told me that he is a cute, lovely looking baby. I could not agree more.

He is starting to wake from the anaesthetic. He seems so cross but I am happy he is waking. It is a good sign. Meredith (the other neo-natal fellow) has assured me that, in her experience, no neo-nates who come back as older babies have any memory of the trauma or discomfort of the NCC.

The staff here are amazing. Everyone has been so encouraging and kind to me, to E and to M. In a very strange way I am going to miss them. They have been like family to us over the last 7½ weeks.


No News is Good News

If no news is good news then all is good in “E land”. He is continuing to breastfeed well and took two bottles overnight making him a “full sucking feed” man. I am not the best at burping him so today he had a huge scream culminating in the longest fart I have ever heard. I need to try and wind him more effectively for the sake of all the people in the ward.

We are gearing up for the operation. Cannot wait for it to be over.


Signing Consent Forms

E is continuing his brilliant progress, taking to breastfeeding like a duck to water.

Dr C saw him on his rounds and said that on all likelihood we will go home next week. I cannot wipe the smile off my face. The only thing that concerns me is that he still has to have his operation. It will be any day now and the thought of the drip, the canulas, the feeding stopping etc make me feel sick. I wish that he did not have to endure any pain or discomfort.

Tonight the surgeon Dr H came to see me and got me to sign a consent form for the hernia operation. I know that I wanted to be a mother and have some responsibility but this is taking it a bit is quite a thing to have to sign a consent form that affects not you but your child. We are also getting E circumcised at the same time so that he does not have to have a bris - we are Jewish and our son must have a circumcision, the thing is that we have to sign that we are doing the circumcision against medical advice. YUGH! But rather that than having him have to have a bris when he is awake!
Everything is booked for Wednesday afternoon if there is time or Friday or Monday. How confusing. I do however feel much better about the whole procedure after talking to Dr H. He has said that Ethan will only have the canula put in at theatres, he will be tubed under anaesthetic and he will have minimal discomfort while awake. Please God he will come back to the NCC extubated and will be tired but hungry and he can feed as soon as he wants. I know that it is a general anaesthetic and comes with all the associated risks but I also know that he is in good hands.


We Loved Today

We had a stupendously magnificent day. At the 9am feed we had a breastfeed which we topped up with 20mls (half a feed), at 12 o’clock we left him with a tube feed and then at 3pm, 6pm and 9pm he had a full breastfeed with no top ups. This is fantastic news because when he is on full sucking feeds he will come home. I am so hysterically happy and ever so proud. He is becoming more relaxed about feeding and I am getting better at positioning him. I am sure that there has been a memo circulated around the hospital telling everyone to praise us on our good work. Everyone keeps coming up to us and lavishing us with compliments.

We also had the pleasure of giving E a bath again. Wow he loves that, it calms him amazingly. We also weighed him and the champagne can go into the fridge to chill because he is almost 2kgs. He has put on 70grams and is now 1.90kgs. We are anxiously awaiting Wednesday’s weigh in because if he is on so many breastfeeds he may be burning up a lot of calories in sucking but he may also get more than his allocated 44mls so his weight might not go up at all, in fact it may drop, but it may well go up.

We are getting better at the settling thing but that is not to say that he does not prefer sleeping in our arms. After his 6pm feed we got to settle him a new way. OUR BABY GOT HIS FIRST TRIP OUTSIDE THE NEWBORN CARE CENTRE! Caroline, the nurse gave us the pram and off we ventured. M and I had to be the proudest parents in the whole wide world. It was a bit chilly and drafty downstairs so we did not stay for long. Also he was rather averse to the smell of the damp carpets. Sunday is carpet cleaning day at the hospital and M is quite convinced that E’s nose is as sensitive as his (not to mention his Princess and the Pea condition).

We loved today.


Cuddling Against All The Rules

I am still struggling with the issue of settling E. I really do not want him to feel insecure or unloved when I am so obviously hopelessly in love with him. I do not want him to cry unattended although I know patting him in his cot is in essence attending to him, I just want to cuddle him till he is asleep and then put him down. This is contrary to what I am being shown but he is my son and M and I are happy with that decision.

He is so much more alert and aware, he cries a lot more but I think that is just because he is growing up. In fact today we celebrated his 7 weeks with a cake for the staff of the NCC. E’s first party and I did a valiant job of eating the cake on his behalf. He, in turn did a good job at his first breastfeed of the day but I was told that he “drowned” on his bottle last night. M has gone to find him a new teat to see if that makes any difference.

His breastfeeds are certainly improving although it seems like it takes ages for him to settle into it. It is also very difficult to ascertain whether or not he has had enough or still needs a top up. M gave him a bottle tonight and he seemed to go quite well with that although he only managed 20 out of 44mls. He then became quite hysterical and would not suck any more. I might just add here that these precious mls are breastmilk that I am still furiously pumping like a dairy cow and it is HARD work.

We are still holding him to settle him and I think it is working fine. We hold him till he is half asleep then put him down in his cot and pat him gently until he is in deep sleep. He usually wakes after two minutes, cries hysterically and then settles. The nursing staff are beginning to hate us.


I Want to Cuddle Him, Strict Nurse Wants Him to Sleep

I arrived at the hospital really early today and found E sitting in the rocker/bouncer as cute as a button and as happy as anything. The nurse told me that he had had a really bad night and was very unsettled in his cot. He is hungry and furiously trying to suck while I am not there. Yup - that sound you just heard was my heart breaking. By the time his 6am feeds rolled around however, he was fast asleep. The nurse has suggested we give him a bottle in the middle of the night to satisfy his sucking hysteria. Hopefully that will bring him closer to full sucking feeds. I did suggest that I come to the nursery in the middle of the night for the 12 and 3am feeds but I was told that was definitely not an option. He will instead go from 8 to 7 feeds and have 12am bottle and 5am tube to rest so that by 9am he is ready for a breastfeed.

This clever little man is just amazing. He had a full breastfeed with no top up. He fell asleep sort of but when we put him down he cried. The strict nurse tried to teach me to settle him without cuddling him and although it breaks my heart to hear him cry it will help us both in the long run (or so strict nurse says). I still talk to him and pat his back so he knows that I am there and I hope that is enough comfort for him but already I doubt that.

It turns out that E is the most spoilt baby in the nursery. He only likes to sleep in my or M’s arms. This afternoon and evening have been a real battle of should I hold him or should he cry and settle himself in the cot. It is breaking my heart that I cannot cuddle him all the time and I wish bloody strict nurse would go home and let me mother my son the way I want to. He is MY baby - not the hospital's. This is a hideous position to be in. The staff can't hold him when I am not there so they want him to settle in his cot. I want to be there all the time but apparently I have to go home to sleep or some such bullshit.

I think we may be trying to push him a bit with the breastfeeds as they take so much of his energy. While he had a brilliant feed in the morning the rest were a bit average. Perhaps tomorrow we will try every second feed.


This is a LOUD LOUD baby boy

I love him with all my heart but boy can this man scream. I know that all babies cry and I am sure it is normal but he becomes absolutely hysterical and can be so hard to settle. Breastfeeding has been really abysmal today as he is screaming and seeming to have difficulty with the shape of my breast. His little mouth opens up but it doesn’t always close and he becomes very confused. He is way better on my left breast and I think that is because I can manipulate the shape with my right hand but when he is on my right side he just flounders.

On the positive side though he is looking absolutely gorgeous, as cute as anything and his colour has improved tremendously so he is pink and, dare I say it, he has a chubby face.


Weigh Day

E has put on a mighty 85grams and now weighs in at 1.830kgs. His tube feeds have increased to 39ml three hourly.

This morning he did such a good, solid breastfeed that instead of topping him up with the normal full feed we only gave him an extra 20ml and he slept through to his next cares so he must have been well sated. He tried again at 12:00 but it was a little less spectacular.

This afternoon he had his bath and than a feed and sleep. I then moved his cot to the stereo so he could lie there and relax listening to the music. He seemed to appreciate that. I think I may just force my musical tastes on him - oh to mould a child!

This morning’s meeting with Dr C went well. Again he said that the surgery should be done soon and he would talk to Dr H and perhaps we would go for next week. He is confident that we could go home soon after that. Yahoo!!

Unfortunately E had a very unsettled afternoon - and it was not because of my taste in music, I think all the days activities were too hectic for him. He cried a lot and was hard to settle. I lay on the couch with him and he seemed to relax and enjoy that. I certainly did.


Passing All The Tests

I arrived today to find E monitorless!! I am extremely excited but at the back of my mind I am aware that it is not forever this time – he still has to have this damn surgery. I cannot wait for all the medical shit to be over. I just want my baby to be a baby not a patient.

Most of his “friends” have moved home or are about to. I feel like the hospital is our home.

I was so psyched up for him to have his surgery this week when Dr C mentioned it yesterday. It took me a while but I thought that it would be great to have it done and behind us. Now that Dr H says prior to discharge I am taking time to adjust to that again. M has made me feel much better by saying that the bigger and stronger E is for the operation, the better so I hope nobody changes their minds today.

E had his ears tested and he passed. I was absolutely petrified for the results and was pacing up and down with dread in my stomach but he did it.

To top all that good news he breastfed extremely well. When he got on he sucked and sucked for a good while. I am elated and very proud of him. The feed sucked all his energy and he has been exhausted the rest of the day.

A good news day all in all – tonight he had his eyes rechecked and his retinopathy has regressed. There is no need to worry any further about his eyes.

He ended the evening with another good suck. This little star is really going great guns ahead.


Not The Start I Had Hoped For

I saw Dr C this morning and he told me that he believes that E should have his surgery this week. We waited all day for Dr H, the paediatric surgeon but he came at about 10pm when we had already left. Apparently he still believes E should only have the surgery immediately prior to discharge. Quite frankly the very thought of the surgery sickens me.

E is doing much better with his sucking on the boob. I am sure he will get it done any time soon. I hope so because this tube change every three days is just traumatic.

Every day his eye lashes and his hair seem to grow more. He is looking particularly handsome and I can see a definite weight increase.

I am still saddened by the fact that I had wanted to give E the best possible start– loving, warm and stable and now he has spent the first six weeks of his life in hospital. I am there for him only 14 hours a day and he is still prodded and poked and there is so much medical intervention. I know it is life saving but I also want him to feel happy and safe.


This Breastfeeding Stuff is Very Hard

The nurse that looked after E last night told me that he is beginning to demand food. I feel so confused about this breastfeeding, should he be doing more? Should I be doing more to encourage him? How am I supposed to give him more food at night if I am not allowed to stay over at the hospital and if he wants more food, why don't they increase his tube feeds? I was never going to breastfeed but here I am pumping milk for his tube feeds and desperately trying to breastfeed him for the other feeds. He screams, I cry. I am trying so hard and so is he but this is beginning to feel a lot like hell.
Also, his temperature has been all over the show and I am sure that is not good for him. All in all not a good morning for me.

We attempted another breastfeed and he screamed blue murder. That made me feel much better?? The screaming at feeds is worse than the screaming for the examinations, blood tests and tube changes. This is meant to be natural, normal and comforting. It seems to create anxiety, anguish and despair (and that is just in me)
At his 12 o’clock cares we gave him a bath which put him straight to sleep in a very calm way (two hours of screaming helped no doubt). Before the bath we weighed him and he has put on 55grams – he now weighs 1.745kgs.

In the afternoon he had a much more successful attempt at a breastfeed. I am praying that he gets there soon because then I am sure he will put on heaps of weight and it will be closer to home time. Will be so much better to hear him scream at home!


Away From The Window

Nothing much to write about although E’s temperatures were a little low again today. We moved him from his spot by the window in the hope of making his environment a little warmer.

He has taken to having a few big screams every now and then for no apparent reason – I guess he is just growing up and behaving like he should. He settles when cuddled the right way so I am sure it is nothing too serious.


The Best Way to Raise A Temperature is to Cuddle

E had another good day although his morning was disturbed by a tube change. I stayed with him for that and it was not as bad as I had expected. In the past I have run away from all medical procedures but today I was overcome with bravery - he must be rubbing off on me. When he cries, even when he just has a little hissy fit, his bottom lip quivers and pouts. As much as I hate to see him cry it is a very cute look.

His temperature was quite low so we had a long skin to skin cuddle. It was just perfect. For three hours we lay together – me on the couch and E on his tummy on my chest. It worked a treat. His temperature went from 35.9 to 36.7 and we both felt extremely calm and relaxed.

His breathing has really regulated, it is steady and deep (not too deep) and looks strong and solid on the monitor.

Tonight his grandpa held him for his tube feed. Both of them were very happy.


A Nappy Trick

Dr C came to see me this morning to explain that although E had two bradychardias last night there was no thing to worry about. Now why would he come tell me something that could only make me worry if there was nothing to worry about? I guess he must know that I read E's chart like stock analysts read the financial news - fastidiously and eagerly looking for dips and rises. E did not have any problems today so I am assuming he had a faulty monitor (this is part of my new glass half full philosophy).

E is just a star! He did a real nappy trick today. He poo'd all over the show with his open nappy and then promptly wee'd over his body and face all in front of his granny C. I tell you this boy is ready to star in his first road trip movie

He is so cute and cuddly (when he is not covered in his own bodily excrement).


A Bath With Dad

Another wonderful day in Level 1 although E was a bit grizzly in the afternoon – I cuddled him and he settled well although he needed the occasional solid tap on the bum/back.

M came in this morning for his first bath time experience. Panic not! It was his first experience watching and helping E bath (he has a good few baths of his own under his belt). I think E will definitely be into massage when he grows up, he loves having his hair washed because we sneak in a gentle head massage.

Level 1 is so quiet and cosy. This afternoon all the mums just sat around and chatted. I had E in my arms at this time and I felt like I was at playgroup not in hospital. Thank G-d there is some light in this hideous tunnel.

My weekly meeting with Dr C went well. He is happy with E’s progress and we will start to talk about discharge in the near future. He has also taken E off his amonofilin/theofolin stimulant drug (the one that reminds him to breathe) - such a clever young boy, he now even remembers to breathe on his own.


We Have Graduated to Level One

What a happy day. My little angel is doing so well. We had a good attempt at breastfeeding which tired him out no end but, the best was yet to come. At lunch time today E moved to Level 1 (the level before home).

Level 1 is so groovy. It is not even like a hospital. E is the only baby on monitors so there is not continual beeping and alarming. It is just a much more relaxed and casual atmosphere. All the babies are well and just mellowing out and growing and learning to eat/suck. The mums are also great and it is a friendly environment.

E is fantastic, the place is sooo much better and I feel so much more comfortable. I can’t wait to take him home but I know that he is in a good place and I feel better that he is no longer in such a medical environment.


A Little Weight Loss Before A Big Move

Back on 3 hourly feeds and cares. Our boy is doing really well and is that much closer to Level 1.

He is so awake and alert in the mornings. Today when the doctor examined him he just lay there looking around as good as gold. I tried to breastfeed again but although he latches like a champion he has no idea what he should do then. He will learn.

I am grinning like a Cheshire cat. The nursing unit manager, Sally has just told me that all going well today we will move to Level 1 tomorrow.

This afternoon our favourite treat – a bath. E loved his bath as usual. He really loves the warm water and you can actually feel his whole body relax. He got weighed and unfortunately has lost another 40grams so he now weighs 1.680kgs. Hopefully he has now stabilised after the TPN etc and will start to put on weight.


Burrowing Into My Heart And The Blankets

E just continues to work his way right into my heart. I cannot begin to describe the love I have for him – he is so perfect. I cannot believe that we get to take him home and he will be our son forever.

His new trick is to really burrow down in his blankets. He edges his way to the bottom of the cot and gets his whole body, including his head, under the blankets. Maybe this is the same system he has used to burrow into my heart?

Today he had big cuddles with his mom and dad. His breathing seems to have improved in that his respiration is no longer as shallow as it used to be. He is taking far deeper and more regular breaths.

One of the nurses from Level 3 looked after him this afternoon – she is still mad about him and tells us she has a special place for him in her heart. I know this is becoming the most repetitive line in this diary but – I can’t blame her.