This Breastfeeding Stuff is Very Hard

The nurse that looked after E last night told me that he is beginning to demand food. I feel so confused about this breastfeeding, should he be doing more? Should I be doing more to encourage him? How am I supposed to give him more food at night if I am not allowed to stay over at the hospital and if he wants more food, why don't they increase his tube feeds? I was never going to breastfeed but here I am pumping milk for his tube feeds and desperately trying to breastfeed him for the other feeds. He screams, I cry. I am trying so hard and so is he but this is beginning to feel a lot like hell.
Also, his temperature has been all over the show and I am sure that is not good for him. All in all not a good morning for me.

We attempted another breastfeed and he screamed blue murder. That made me feel much better?? The screaming at feeds is worse than the screaming for the examinations, blood tests and tube changes. This is meant to be natural, normal and comforting. It seems to create anxiety, anguish and despair (and that is just in me)
At his 12 o’clock cares we gave him a bath which put him straight to sleep in a very calm way (two hours of screaming helped no doubt). Before the bath we weighed him and he has put on 55grams – he now weighs 1.745kgs.

In the afternoon he had a much more successful attempt at a breastfeed. I am praying that he gets there soon because then I am sure he will put on heaps of weight and it will be closer to home time. Will be so much better to hear him scream at home!

1 comment:

  1. Oh dear - I can so relate. Breastfeeding was by far the hardest, most physically and emotionally exhausting experience for me for the whole pregnancy/birth/parenting.

    Due to a massive loss of blood that occured in my c-section I was in no way capable of mastering "attachment" and bonding. When they put my baby to my chest I would fall asleep and let go of him (lucky he was small enough to just sit there). This in turn led to cracked, bleeding nipples and poor feeds for Dante. I perservered for three or four months but that whole time was spent obsessing over feeding (crying through the pain) or the fear of the next feed. What was meant to be a wonderful, bonding time was a horrible, tortured time for both of us.

    I hope it got better for you!