Day Nine - C-Pap Freaks Mum Out

Arrived at the hospital today to find E on c-pap. Small prongs inserted into his nostrils to give him air. I freaked out. I freaked out because he obviously needed more oxygen and I freaked out because I had not been there when he did. I also freaked out because freaking out was becoming the way I dealt with things. Before E had entered my life I had been calm and only really freaked out in particularly bad traffic or when someone was particularly stupid - ok so I freaked out a lot before E was born. But this was different, I was feeling such a lack of control. My baby needed things that I could not provide for him and other people could - they knew what he needed and I only knew how to love him.

When he cries I become distraught. I wish that there was a way that I could take the discomfort away from him. He settles really well when we place our hands firmly on his head and bottom or feet but I worry about the times that we are not there and on days like today when he just does not seem happy I feel like I just want to run away from the horror of the situation and take him with me.

1 comment:

  1. Frigging CPAP. We did the on-off-on-off CPAP dance for nine weeks. I hated it. Sophia hated it. She was a different child when the dreaded hat was off her head and would scream blue murder when they came near her to put it back on.

    I remember all those emotions you convey so brilliantly.