Day Six - The Cuddle

The photo therapy lights are still on and everybody tells me that he will be much happier when they are off and his body does not have to be so exposed. I wish that I did not have to hear that he will be much happier when... Can't he just be happy now? The poor little angel has no comfort around him other than the sound of our droning voices. I am reading him Winnie the Pooh, M is reading him The Economist - tell you much about ourselves? (In M's defence it is just the sound of our voices that is important - even if The Economist threatens to bore some of the nursing staff into a coma)

E is tolerating his cares and his feeds and is breathing above vent rate. He dribbles a lot and there are constant secretions in his mouth. He is more active today.

Okay - saving the best for last. Today was possibly the best day of E's very short life so far, not that there is much to compare it to but, today for 10 whole minutes he got to spend time where he belongs - with me.

Ta Da - I got to have my first cuddle with my son today. The amazing nursing staff swaddled him up, bundled all his wires together and handed me my baby. Can I explain what it is like to hold your baby for the first time when he is five days old? No I can't. I was petrified (yup - he was tiny and he was attached to a LOT of machinery), I was overjoyed, I was falling deeper in love and I was crying, laughing and sobbing at the same time. He was so content in my arms and even though there was more machinery than baby visible I just wanted to run away with him. I wanted him to stay in my arms far away from this clinical environment and I wanted to kiss him and touch him and tell him how much I love him. I managed to do the telling but still no kissing or touching because he loses to much oxygen (and that has nothing at all to do with the potency of my cuddles). I certainly did not manage to run away with him because boy that machinery is heavy stuff. That first cuddle will stay with me forever but vanity prevents me from posting the picture - put it this way, I cried a LOT.

I am 100% fully, wholly and undeniably in love. We are limited to one 10-minute cuddle a day as this is all he can handle. Living for the next one.


  1. I cannot even imagine that first hold. You brave brave girl. ;) Sorry gotta go quietly bawl.

  2. I told you I'd cry *sniffle*.
    Giving him back after 10 minutes must have been soooo hard. *sob*

  3. Oh, I just got goosebumps! You Oprah you. But FINALLY, something happy! Please tell me he learns to walk on day 8, and goes from premature to Baby Prodigy.

  4. Oh, that is just so very, very beautiful! I'm also covered in goosebumps!

  5. yay for first cuddles!! i remember wanting to do a runner with my little man too all tucked up down my shirt - i looked at the nurse and said im just gonna take him home now hes happy, sadly they didnt seem to agree with my idea!